Monday, June 28, 2010
Joke: Church Services
About halfway through, the elderly woman leans over and says, " I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Friday, June 25, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
3 Day Tennis Marathon
It was a match that no one alive today will likely ever see topped in his or her lifetime.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Art & Science
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
The Wash Cloth (Joke)
Early one morning, she received a call from the doctor's office to tell her that she had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.
She had only just packed everyone off to work and school and it was already 8:45am.
The trip to his office too about 35 minutes, so she didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, she liked to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time she wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.
So, she rushed upstairs, threw off her pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave herself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure she was at least presentable. She threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped into the car and raced to her appointment.
She was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when she was called in. Knowing the procedure, she hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that she was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. She was a little surprised whe the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"
She didn't respond. After the appointment, she had a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal, shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school, her 6 year old daughter was playing and called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
She said, "Get another one from the cupboard"
Her daughter replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles in it."
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The follow-up from Funny-Or-Die!
Clitter! - watch more funny videos
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Use For A Large Padlock
Running from a hipster? Now that would be ironic.
Barney Gumble and Nelson Muntz
My name is Barney Gumble. I'm forty, I'm single, and I drink.
There's a line in Othello about a drinker: 'Now a sensible man, by and by a fool, and presently a beast.' That pretty well covers it.
"My name is Barney Gumble and I'm an alcoholic."
"Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting."
"Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?"
Don't cry for me, I'm already dead.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Little Boy Killed A Butterfly
He then killed a honey bee. His dad said: "no honey for two weeks either".
Later the little boy's mum was in the garden when she stood on a cockroach. The little boy looked at his dad and said:
"Do you want to tell her or shall I?"
Monday, June 7, 2010
Newspaper Prop Fail
I don’t know the story behind this prop newspaper, but I assume it was created as a royalty free prop for television shows. Somewhere along the line, the prop became a reoccurring gag between propmasters. Something like how sound designers reuse the Wilhem Scream in every movie.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
A Few Good Dirty Jokes
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You can't take a joke.
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A woman walks into the drycleaners with a white stained shirt. "Can you clean this please?" she asks. The man is partially deaf. "Come again?" She replies: "No, it's yogurt"
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Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat came up and flashed them. One old lady immediately had a stroke. The other couldn't quite reach.
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An old man is sitting on a bench outside the nursing home, when one of the crazy old ladies shuffles up, whips open her robe and yells, "Super Pussy!" The old man looks her up and down and says, "I'll have the soup."
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A man walks into a doctor's office, sits down and says "Now doctor, this may sound kind of strange, but I have five penises"
The doctor, taken aback asks him "My god, well how do your pants fit?"
To which the man replies "Like a glove"
Thursday, June 3, 2010
TV University Faculty
Clint Eastwood: Dean
- James Lipton: Founder
- Omar (The Wire): Assistant Dean
The 4th Doctor (Doctor Who): Science
- Chuck: Computer Science --terrible choice
- Dr. Gregory House, M.D.: Medical Science
- John Nash: Mathematics
- Daniel Faraday (L O S T): Theoretical Physics
- Carl Sagan: Astronomy
- Walter White (Breaking Bad): Chemistry
- Dr. Heiter (The Human Centipede): Biology
- Steve Zissou: Marine Biology
- Hannibal Lecter: Psychology
- Agents Mulder and Scully: Parapsychology
- Dr. Alan Grant (Jurassic Park): Paleontology
- Dr. Indiana Jones: Archaeology
- Bill Nye: Lab Maintenance & Administration
Q: Engineering
- Tony Stark (Iron Man): Mechanical Engineering
- Scotty: Astronautical Engineering
- Jeremy Clarkson: Automotive Engineering
- Dr. Strangelove: Nuclear Engineering
- Daniel Plainview (There Will Be Blood): Civil Engineering
- Wikus (District 9): Biological Engineering
- MacGyver: Practical Engineering
- Scarecrow (Batman): Pharmacological Engineering
- Mythbusters: Applied Physics
- The Architect (non-existent Matrix sequel): Architecture
- Anton Chigurh (No Country For Old Men): Actuarial Sciences
Gordon Gekko: Business
- Michael Bluth: Capital Restructuring
- HI, BILLY MAYS HERE FOR PUBLIC SPEAKING
- Patrick Bateman from American Psycho: Mergers & Acquisitions
- Clay Davis (The Wire): Corporate Raiding
- Don Draper (Mad Men): Marketing
- Ben Stein in Ferris Bueller: Economics
- Hans Gruber (Die Hard): Hostile Takeovers
- Tony Soprano: Business Management
- Stringer Bell: Transitional Business Management
- Michael Scott: Practical Business Management
Saul Goodman: Law
- Bob Loblaw: Corporate Law
- Atticus Finch: Criminology
- Robocop: Criminal Justice
- Dexter: Forensics
- Jack Bauer: Ethics
- George Bluh Sr. (Pop-pop): Business Ethics!
- Denny Crane: Tactical Litigation
- Marko Ramius (The Hunt for Red October): Maritime Law
- Rose Byrne: Tort Law --what a dollface!
- Charlie Kelly: Bird Law
- John McClane (Die Hard): Habeas Corpus Law Specialization
Bob Ross: Arts
- Sal Romano (Mad Men): Graphic Arts
- Armond White: Film
- Dr. Tobias Fünke: Theatre
- Zoolander: Fashion
- Jeff Jeffries (Rear Window): Photography
- Jackson Pollock: Painting
- Gordan Ramsey: Culinary Arts
- James Mason as Humbert Humbert (Lolita): Literature
- John Williams: Music and Band
- Neil Patrick Harris: Choir
- River Tam: Dance
Junior Healy (Problem Child 2): Humanities
- Charles Foster Kane: Journalism
- Pierce Brosnan: Diplomacy
- Harry Powell (Night of The Hunter): Theology
- The Dude: Philosophy
- Dr. Strangelove: Political Science
- David Ducovny (Californication): Women's Studies
- (Inglourious Basterds): World Languages
- Rex Harrison as Dr. Higgins (My Fair Lady): Linguistics
- Al Swearengen (Deadwood): American History
- Daniel Jackson (Stargate Sg-1): Ancient History
- Ash (Army of Darkness): Medieval History
- GOB with Franklin the puppet: African-American History
Coach Norman Dale (Hoosiers): Sports
- Happy Gillmore: Golf
- Emilio Estevez: Hockey
- Forrest Gump: Track & Field
- Rocky: Boxing
- O.J. Simpson: Football
- Kevin Costner: Baseball
- Leonidas: Weightlifting
- Jules Paxton (Bend it Like Beckham): Soccer
Other Faculty
- Richard Alpert (L O S T): Student Advisor
- Anthony Head (Giles from Buffy): Librarian
- Joan Holloway (Mad Men): Clerical Administration
- R. Lee Ermey (Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket): R.O.T.C. Commander
- Eric Cartman: Hall Monitor
- Dr. Simon Tam: Campus Health
- Frank Martin (Transporter): Campus Transportation
- The Janitor: Janitor
- Groundskeeper Willy: Groundskeeper
Also see...I'meme not feeling so good!
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