Saturday, September 25, 2010

Just the way it is!

  • Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  • Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  • We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
  • The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
  • If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
  • Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erec tion, make him a sandwich.
  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  • Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
  • Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
  • Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  • If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
  • If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
  • If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
  • Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
  • I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
  • A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
  • A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
  • I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it… so I said “Implants?”
  • The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
  • God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
  • The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
  • Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
  • You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  • Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
  • We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
  • My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
  • Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  • When in doubt, mumble.
  • Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
  • A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
  • Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower. Ugly too.
  • My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re crazy
  • I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a b#tch.
  • There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
  • I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
  • You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  • You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
  • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  • A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
  • Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
  • Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
  • If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
  • Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.

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